Back in skinny jeans

Overcoming agoraphobia, panic attacks, and losing 50lbs in the process

Today we have a guest post from friend Maria Lemus who blogs at Sex and the Beach, a blog about a single woman's guide to chronic living in Miami. Maria is a kindred spirit and one of the most amazing people I have the pleasure to call friend.

In terms of healing, Maria deserves a gold star, as her story is inspiring to others who have suffered from agoraphobia and anxiety attacks. In one year she went from not being able to leave her home to now going out every day to enjoy the sights and sounds of Miami, and in the process, she lost 50lbs without dieting.

***

I was driving along, minding my own business, when I
suddenly felt disoriented. My heart started racing. My
hands and legs shook uncontrollably. I couldn't
concentrate. I was afraid I was going to lose control of the car.

I'm dying.

Or am I?

No. I'm in the throes of an anxiety attack, which is a
physiological reaction to stress called the flight or
flight syndrome. My body has just released adrenaline
because it thinks it's being chased by an elephant, when
in fact, those elephants are really just my heart's way
of telling me to listen to the grief that lingers like
hazy background music I no longer hear: that background
being the beating of my heart.

The heart's beating: that constant reminder of why I am
here and what I am doing about it.

But I don't know this yet.

I don't know that I'm not having a heart attack. I don't
know that I'm not going to die. I don't know that millions
of others also suffer from anxiety attacks.

No, I know none of this.

And because I'm so afraid that this crazy, unexplainable
crisis will ever happen again, I become afraid of driving.

Then it happens again. And again.

Oh no, not again.

Eventually, I stop driving. I stop walking. I stop
moving. And even though my heart still beats, I stop
living.

I become agoraphobic and life goes on permanent hold ...

Anxiety disorder (the sudden onset of anxiety attacks)
and agoraphobia (fear of being outside of your comfort
zone when an anxiety attack occurs) happened to me
several times in my adult life. The last time it
happened, I said: ENOUGH.

***

I’ve come a long way in one year, but the process of
transition started long before. In 2005, I embarked on a
relationship with a man that was very challenging. Note
that I say challenging and not damaging, because I refuse
to consider myself damaged goods – far from it.

This man was the worst thing that ever happened to me,
but in some ways, he was also my best teacher, because
the relationship forced me to evolve into the woman I am
today.

Not only was this man psychologically abusive and
manipulative, he also raped me and violated me physically
in other ways.

At the beginning of the end, I developed severe anxiety
attacks, which eventually dragged me into agoraphobia. I
would have a difficult time leaving the front door of my
apartment for nearly three years. I was literally
paralyzed in fear, handicapped by it, stunted, and
seemingly at the time, forever held back from life.

Finding the every day "heal" in health

It's been two months now since I decided to start evolving the theme of Back in Skinny Jeans from weight management and body image subjects to more "big sisterly" advice about a myriad of life things because many of my readers see me as a wise sisterly type. I thought it would be a good place to start and I even introduced a new thing called Dear Steph where readers could ask me for some advice on any topic.

Since that change, I've been realizing some things that I didn't see back then which leads me to make some tweaks to BISJ's blog theme.

Quote on overcoming obstacles

Moo: The most amazing business cards that will help boost your personal brand

Yesterday, I received my new business cards I ordered for the BlogHer conference and these puppies made by Moo.com are the most amazing things I have ever seen in my life. I am rarely impressed like this. Look at these cards. They are stunning. (I blurred out my cell # in the picture just in case the stalkers are watching. The lettering is perfect.)

The best part is that they only cost $21.99 for 50 cards each with it's own unique image on one side, and if you are Green conscious, you can have them printed on recycled fibre. For my cards, I used 50 different food shots I used at Noshtopia. Oh yes people! If you tried getting cards like this made at places like Office Depot or your local printing shop it would cost hundreds of dollars, and somehow Moo.com as figured out how to do it for the price of a pair of jeans at Old Navy. The black cardboard box the cards come in is also way cool. I'm telling you the folks at Moo.com are brilliant.

These business cards are so beautiful I almost don't want to give them out. They look like tiny billboards, and something of this quality can only make your personal brand look hot and hip. Creatively, you don't even have to use them as business cards. You could make "We're moving cards", gift tags, bookmarks, inspiration cards, or pictures of the kids to pass out at the family reunion. There are so many possibilities.

If you have some cool photos and need new business cards, you ABSOLUTELY MUST go Moo.com!

Gisele Bundchen wants me to take global destruction seriously as her tooshie hangs out

Yesterday, pictures of Gisele Bundchen in her new spread for V magazine came out along with tidbits from the accompanying interview. I don't know what was worse to me, the fact that the ripped faded jeans look is coming back from the grave or that Gisele is trying to convince us of her convictions while she poses practically naked in clothing that makes no sense at all.

I have no doubt that Gisele is a smart, bright, caring and competent young woman. She does speak five languages, is world traveled and that's very impressive. However, there's a place and a context to discuss certain topics, and in this case, the execution is all off. I know I said I was going to talk less about stuff like this, but I just have to say something because this really gets under my skin. Here are some of the thoughts that ran through my head on certain parts of her interview:

Gisele: Only Mario [Testino] could make me take those pictures. Ah! The only person that can get me to do stuff like this is Mario.

Steph's head: And I'm sure getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars is quite motivating too.

Gisele on her thoughts on the aggressiveness of the Paparazzi: Believe me, if I had my way I would go around punching people.

Steph's head: Agreed that the paparazzi is annoying and pain in the arse but saying out loud in print that you'd go Naomi Campbell is so not role modelish.

Gisele on fashion: I work in fashion but I’m not really a fashion person. I don’t follow trends. I couldn’t tell you which designer made that shoe or that bag.

Steph's head: Oh please! You are the highest paid model in the world because of your multiple business pursuits all related to fashion which makes you a savvy business person, and everyone who is savvy in their field knows exactly what the trends are and who is hot. For one second, I don't believe you don't know your industry.

Gisele on her  job role: I just do what is expected of me and become the persona they want. When I’m there (at a photo shoot) I’m not Gisele—’cause believe me I have opinions about everything—I’m a canvas. I’ve accepted that.

Steph's head: Will add comment after next statement

Gisele on young girls and gossip magazines: The other day at the airport I stopped to buy a magazine—I like design magazines, like Architectural Digest—and saw this little girl, maybe 15, who had five magazines, all gossip magazines! I wanted to ask her mother, “Why is your daughter reading this garbage? What do you think it’s going to inspire your daughter to be in her life?”

Steph's head: Well Gisele she aspires to be like you, a model who makes millions of dollars selling fantasy. She like many other girls wants to become world famous because they're a model just like you. Girls want to date cute rich celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Brady. These girls want to be canvas like you because that's how young girls become millionaires and get showered with attention nowadays through their bodies and beauty. What have you been doing Gisele to enrich the minds and souls of young girls? What have you been doing to help young girls realize that there is more to them than being just a pretty face and hot body in a pair of low cut Daisy Dukes? How can you yell at the problem if you are contributing to the problem that pays you millions of dollars?

Gisele on what good works she has been doing: In the last three years I’ve been donating proceeds to protect local water sources and replant forests. Look, I have a huge concern for so many other things going on in the world. I paid for a study about violence that is being edited into a book at the end of the year; we researched for three and a half years with fifty sociologists. While everyone is going around saying crazy things about my life I’m concerned with the destruction of our planet. Why don’t they talk about that? Or, forget about what I’m doing altogether, why don’t they talk about what’s going on in the environment in these magazines?

Steph's head: Because Gisele gossip magazines are designed to sell gossip like fashion magazines are designed to sell clothes, shoes, and purses. And it is because of those gossip rags that your "it" factor stays on the rise which helps you get paid more millions. So in a way, you are kinda spitting on the plate that feeds you. Plus has it dawned on you that many of the fashions which you model are made in factories polluting the planet, and are made by companies taking advantage of cheap labor in poor countries.

But besides that, how are we supposed to take you seriously about the destruction of the planet when you're half naked and your ass is hanging out of your shorts. When you start showing up in places like Time or Green Living with some decent clothes on, then I'll start taking you to heart. Show me some consistency. But for now, if you're going to do shoots like this V magazine spread, just stick to telling us about how you like Mario and how fabulous the clothes are. And seriously, I hope to goodness that ripped faded denim is NOT coming back. Please say it ain't so!

Mormon leaders not cool with beefcake calendar and other holey moleys around the skinny-sphere

• Mormon Chad Hardey just wanted to spice up the image of young Mormon men by putting together a beefcake calendar called, "Men on a Mission." There's nothing more than shirtless fun like any other manjoyment calendar but oh-no the Mormon elders found this unholey indeed, so they excommunicated Chad from the church. They kicked his shirtless pecs to the curb. Bit harsh me thinks. Now see if Chad was Catholic, they would have just given him 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers, and the slate is all clean until the next load of sin. [MSNBC]

• And speaking of the Catholics, want to know "Whom Not To Marry" from a Catholic Priest? Padre makes total sense on this notion, "...you can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married.” Determining that fact before hand could save you from a divorce or three. [NY Times]

• Mandy Kaye had to drop out of Cambridge because Anorexia took over her life, and was even told at one point that she had hours to live. Two years later she regained weight, continued treatment and was medically cleared to go back to school to continue on. Mandy just graduated with "a starred First Class degree, and achieved the highest possible grade, the only student in her faculty to do so." She plans on being a therapist to help others. Right on Mandy! [Daily Mail]

• This is a great read, a husband's point of view on his wife's struggle with Anorexia and how they came to heal together. It's not often you get to read stories from the significant others point of view. [Glamour]

• I'm still trying to understand this Adidas ad for the upcoming Olympics where we have some tough lady athlete ready to kick some major bootie with her power of 7 leg. Those legs are female and male. The tag line reads, "They See Me. But They Feel Us." So, okay who are we feeling, the lady's multiple personalities? Can someone help a sister out? I wanna kick that hard in the business world. There are 5 more ads in the campaign featuring other athletes. [Ads of the World]

Quote on Goals

Backstory and mini preview of Steph's BlogHer08 "Coming Out Via Blog" speaking gig

As a special treat, I have the honor of being interviewed by one of my favorite bloggers, Cranky Fitness. In the interview, I share some of the back story and give a mini preview of some of the things I will be sharing at my speaking gig at the BlogHer08 conference starting Friday this week.

Originally, I was going to write my own preview for the BlogHer gig, but since the Cranky Fitness interview ended up being so fabulous and substantial, I think all of you should just go over there and get the full story.

A huge thanks to Cranky Fitness for having me as a guest!

Tiny inspiring signs: Open your eyes to the amazing

Do you believe that you are surrounded by amazing things? You are. We all are. The thing is that many of us forgot or stopped believing that amazing things can happen for us, to us, or are at our reach. Our beliefs about the wondrous start to die as we grow older because fears and social conditioning start to set in.

One reason I like to hang out with kids is because to them everything is amazing, and they happily express their wonderment and awe. I always wonder why that part of us has to die as we get older. In my early 30's, after spending a good number of years buried in disappointment because nothing "BIG" happened to me, a wise healer told me to start finding the incredible in everyday things because this would help me to start being more open to possibility. Mind you, I was kind of pessimistic back then.

In her office we started with a pen, which at first I saw nothing fantastical about. She told me we weren't going any where until I found something amazing about that pen. She suggested I use my creativity and perhaps to start looking at the pen differently. I stared at that pen for a good 5 minutes and nothing came to me. It looked like just another ordinary blue ballpoint pen, and I thought this exercise was lame. But, since I was paying her big bucks, and was given a mission, I focused because that challenge appealed to the A student in me.

As I stared more at the pen, I started wondering what kind of secrets that pen wrote. I was wondering what kind of notes that healer wrote in her files about her patients, and oh how I'd love to take a peek in those charts because I wanted to see if I was more or less screwed up then other people. All of a sudden I wanted that pen to talk, and things got exciting. When I start to feel like life has gotten dull or  boring, I remember that exercise in the healer's office, and I try and consciously find something incredible around me and linger in the joy of that discovery.

The amazing doesn't have to be big things they can be small like learning something new or seeing something in a different light. Today's business card signs are reminders to open yourself to the wonderment of life. You never know what you may discover!

Regular Jaw Drop: $5.21 per Gallon for Gas in San Mateo

Driving home from Draeger's Supermarket in San Mateo, CA yesterday, I saw this Shell station and my jaw dropped, $5.21/gallon for Regular and $5.33 for Plus (89) which I normally get. The average price for Regular (87) gas in my hood is about $4.68, so when I saw this I truly was surprised because that's a huge jump.

This gas station is one of the first off the nearby freeway (On El Camino off 92) so I'm assuming they are taking advantage of those freeway drivers who are running on fumes and are desperate for gas, or the gas station owner is just crazy. Mind you, no one was pumping gas when I was there.

Seriously, we're going on a gas diet.

This is what goes on in my head whenever I go on a "No Carb" diet

This is why I can't cut out carbs all together. I sware this is what goes on in my head whenever I've gone on any of those "Don't Even THINK About Eating Carbs" diets. Literally, "I want coooookie!"

She's alive! Dr. Elle creates Franken-Mariah

This August Elle cover of Mariah Carey is right up there in photo-franken tricks like Gywenth Paltrow on Vogue. You'd think that Elle would at least put Mariah's head on right. It looks she is literally trying to screw her head back onto Keira Knightley's body.

At least she is not in a bikini, finally. Elle was nice enough to save the bikini shots for inside the magazine. I'm so grateful because frankly I've gotten Mariah bikini fatigue. It's nice to see her in a full outfit that isn't, her of late, hoochie-wear.

So, I'm fiesty today.