Yes I'm over 35, never married, and have no children. Stop asking me...

1. Why are you not married yet? (if single) Or When are you getting married? (If you are in a couple but not married)
2. Why don’t you have children? (more so if you are part of a D.I.N.K.s)

Typically, the questions are asked at family or social gatherings where someone, usually grandma or grandpa, will yell out the question for all to hear. You quickly start to feel as you have just become the piñata at the party. Better yet, you are still in the room during said conversation, but nonetheless eveyone talks about you as if you are not there, and like all this conjecture is supposed to make you feel better.

Sometimes the answer is just simply, “I haven’t met the right person”. You are really frustrated as to why that special someone hasn’t materialized into your life yet especially since you have been really trying. When my 35th birthday came and I was still single without a sweetie pie, I had a sad cloud hanging over me because I just did not understand how I still had not found someone. I mean, I had like 20 years to practice and search, so you figure that something has to have happened by then.

After 35 the pressure is so on because, well, for the ladies, the time to biologically procreate is coming to a close. People are worried that your eggs are going to shrivel up before any of them get a chance to be spermeated. And for both sexes, you should be married by the time you’re 35 because some rule says so. What that rule is, I don’t know, but there must be some kind of rule or else people wouldn’t be asking all the time “Why aren’t you married?” “When are you going to get married?” “Can I help you find someone to marry?”

For some, the answer may just be, "I don't want to get married." Heavan forbid you make that declararion out loud because then the parade of judgment and finger pointing starts. Some people start to feel sorry for you. Some people theorize that you just need to find the right guy/gal. Some will give you a rosary and say "Here, praying will help you want to get married."

Same thing goes for the baby track especially if you are married. Again, there is some rule that states that all married people must have babies. It’s in some communal rulebook somewhere, most likely in socially-correct-land.

Comments

[jules]

Excellent posting! :-)
I've got another one for you: Heaven help you if your partner has kids from a previous marriage, but the 2 of you don't have any together..... then you get the "ohhh - when are you going to have kids of your own?" question. And for those ones, I've had people I've never met before ask me that! Who says you're allowed to ask personal questions like that to strangers? Just once, I'd love to ask: "Ohhh - when did you put on all that weight" ;-)

;-P

jules

[Stephanie Quilao]

Ahhh yes, the gay implication has been thrown my way too. For a moment, my folks thought I might be gay because I hadn't brought home a boyfriend for them to meet in like an 8 year stretch (prime procreation years). I told them that I hadn't brought anyone home because I hadn't met anyone I thought worthy enough to meet the parents. I'm picky about who my folks meet because 1. the guy will get the litany of questions, and 2. the meeting of the parents is a big deal to me. I'm old-fashioned about that.

Honestly, there are social engagements I will turn down mainly because I know I will get barraged with the married and children question. It bothers me more because the questions don't also include "How's your business going?" "Anything exciting going on with your blog?" "Who you going to vote for this election?" "Have you taken any great pictures lately?" It's as if the only thing that validates my existance in this world is marriage and kids, and if you don't have either (after a certain age) than what the hell is the matter with you.

Yes, I do want to get married and have kids, but I want to marry the right person because I want a two-parent household, and most importantly, I want to be happy. Some of us are single longer than others because we want to make the best decision for ourselves, and not because we feel some kind of societal pressure to be validated. Of all my friends in a married couple, only one has been (still is) with the same person. Everyone else is on their 2nd or 3rd. Sometimes I want to retort to those people pointing their judgmental finger at me, "So you're on your third marriage? How come?" or "Your spouse cheated on you and everyone knows it, so why do you put up with that?" "You've completely let your dreams go since you got married. Why is that?"

[Lara]

Please don't forget that just because you're single, and without children, for more than a year or so, it does NOT mean that you're a lesbian and you're hiding it, and it does NOT mean that you have some sort of incurable disease and you're afraid to share with anyone, infect anyone, or get attached to anyone because you're gonna die. (I'm NOT kidding... I've had that one (actually both of them) thrown at me!)

[Norma]

Maybe someone would like to read my How not to marry a jerk post. You guys might have some more ideas. I've learned not to mention children to my daughter, nor a wife to my son. But it's tough!

http://collectingmythoughts.blogspot.com/2006/02/how-not-to-marry-jerk-there-was-radio.html

Great site. I linked to the 10 things to do with the jeans.

[chicaloungin]

Yes, Stephanie!

The one I love/hate the most is: Oh, when you really love yourself/have your shit together/know what you want... you'll find Mr. Right.

Uh, ???

1. I think it's because I love myself so much, I won't settle and

2. How many married people do you know who had their shit together before they married and then had kids... and who are now filing up the divorce papers OR worse, sticking in a shite marriage just "for the kids"?--great role modeling, great loving yourself

I'm glad you've blogged about this topic...it's been on my mind on and off for years (I was briefly married & divorced) and right now, I'm happy, single, don't plan to have kids but to live a very full life... maybe one day with one great man, maybe not. The loneliest I ever felt was in my marriage.

Bah, the right that the righteous marrieds think they have AND the assumption that once married, you've got to pump out the pups, seems to me, semi-based in fear and need.

That said, of course I see a select few of my friends, SELECT, happily married and gleefully parenting.

I think next time someone asks any of the above annoying/rude questions, I might reply, "And how many prescriptions do you need to fill per month to live your so-called perfect life?"

Ya'know?

[Shoe Diva]

Love the commentary and your post. My husband and I have been married for two years now but before that constantly heard the "And why aren't you married?" Drove me nuts - especially from people we had just met!

We don't plan on having any kids at any time in the future. We have a dog. Fulfills all my maternal needs. Plus, when I am hung over at 10:30 a.m. in the morning, the dog doesn't whine and say "Mummy, where's my breakfast?" I just get a wagging tail and a look of complete adoration, despite my wino breathe and bedraggled-fallen-off-the-wagon appearance.

When we are now asked why we don't have children, my husband tells people he is allergic.

[Stephanie Quilao]

You ladies are so hysterical ;-)

For Halloween, I think I'll dress up as a "happy" married person with a bun in the oven. Trick or Treat!!!

[shannon]

These are great comments. Well now when people ask you can just say- Did you know that married people are now in the minority?

I have had opportunities to marry but either the time was not right or the guy was not right. I turn 38 on Friday and am happier than ever. I have a wonderful career, I travel the world, I have great family and friends, etc. Also, I do not want kids, although I love being an Aunt and then giving them back you know?

All of my friends are single as well. I have one friend who just turned 50 and she is beautiful and owns lots of property. She has never been married but about 6 months ago met an amazing guy and they have been inseperable since.

gee, he does not seem to mind that she has not been married.

And frankly, most married people want singles to get married so they can be as miserable as them.

How many truely married people after 5 years are still happy? not too many

[Maria Palma]

What a great post and perfect timing... Glad I'm not the only one in my 30's who isn't married with kids yet :) I was asked the question twice in one day just the other day and I felt so insulted by it! They asked me in a way that insinuated that they thought something was wrong with me!

Now my parents just ask me, "So when are you going to have kids?" I answered, "When I get married!" To which my step-mom says, "Oh,you don't have to be married anymore... We just want you to have a kid..."

When the time is right, my Prince will come ;)

[Free Dating Service www.myfreecupid.com]

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[Faith]

Yes, I completely agree with all of you 30 somethings 40 somethings!!! One point I would like to make is this: There have been so many movies/shows about people who are single (miserable always seems to be attached to that)what about a story about people (real new age people, like us...) who are content with living single? Constantly growing, challenging yourself, living life to it's fullest.....?????!!!!! Having yes, some of the negatives, but really focusing on the positives? What about that?

[Melissa]

I am so happy I fell upon this...I have always wanted to get married and just recently I had to ask myself why? I am newly single and I can't wait to date. At 33, it should be a lot of fun in NYC!

[Sally]

I disagree. I am 32 and not desprate to have a partner, very happy with my life, career etc. I have fun being single, I am not a sad woman who can only live with a boyfriend/husband but I know that having someone there to suport you on your down times, to pick you up, to laugh along with you, somene to hold your hand as you take on a new challenge, someone to think about other than myself, that would be nice to have too.

There is a joy to being with someone, being a parent which others are experiencing and which is why they ask you. If they ask it's only because they want you to feel the happiness that they feel, not always that they feel you are somewhat incomplete without a partner. Take it as a caring commment and not negative, because the only vibe I got from your blog was frustration at your own situation and how hard it is for you to explain it to others rather than feeling content with how your life is

[Rachel]

I was so happy to come across this blog! I turned 38 a couple of months ago, born, raised and still residing in an "old-fashion valued way of thinking about marriage" neighborhood, grew up and hung out with the same couple of childhood girlfriends (all of which are married with children). I also never got married because, 1) unlike my girlfriends, I just never dreamt of my big wedding day, engagement day, etc., the way they did for years! I never saw what the big deal was! When I did have what they thought was "the opportunity" I just felt it was because I didn't feel the same way he did, or because I just wasn't feeling the marriage thing at all! I still get the endless, OMG! How old are you? When are you getting married? When are you going to have children? And the "I've never wanted to get married and I don't want children" thing seems to go through one ear and out the other because one of my very own family members; whom I've said this to a countless number of times over the years; actually recommended that I move out to the State she's living in and offered her help in having me married off in a year! Hello! I guess you weren't listening! P.S.: This same person whose offering to play match maker for me is going through her second divorce! My dad every once in a while is even still like, "I don't understand why you can't find a man?!" Because I haven't brought a date to meet them in about a decade. I feel no reason to because I don't think they need to meet someone I'm only dating! Yes, I knew that there were lots of others in the same category as I was but, it was still refreshing coming across this blog!

[Sereno]

This is pretty funny. I was actually trying to find a Greek or Norse God of love or pain for a character's name in a screenplay when I stumbled upon this entry. I'm 25 and an only child, so the fact that I don't want to settle down for another ten years is really pissing off my family. I can only imagine being in your shoes. Good luck and Congrats on wearing skinny jeans!

[CS Stefania]

Yeah, growing alone is where its at! I just envy people in their 80s who die alone, without any spouse of children....
Who needs family?
Solitude rocks! So stay singe!

[Cynthia]

I am so glad I found these postings. I got married in my early 20s to a monster and had a miscarriage which was a blessing because he was truly a monster. Many years and heartbreaks later, I met my husband and married him a few weeks before my 35th birthday. Our first couple of years were difficult including financial problems and a drug addiction (his). It was tough but we stuck it out. I certainly was not going to get pregnant during the midst of turmoil despite wanting children all my life. Our marrriage is now strong and healthy and we are trying to get pregnant (I'm 38). I constantly get rude comments about how I waited too late to have children and how old I am by strangers and acquaintences. I wanted a child since I was a child but circumstances didn't offer me the opportunity to have children younger. I resent being ridiculed for striving at the chance to finally have the child I always wanted. Its not always a choice when to have children. People need to quit judging.

[Alexander]

It is well written
http://dating-bride.com

[SIngleat29]

Hey, I am still single and I am turning 29 in a few months.

Before this, I truly loved being single so I understand you ladies. That is not to say that I have been praying for marriage for about 3-4 years now.

I have not been praying for marriage because I feel there is something wrong with being single. I guess it's just something I always wanted.

It's possible there is no partner in store for me but I will just carry on with my life and be as happy as I am able.

At the moment I am single and always hear comments, 'why are you single?' 'why are you not married?"

I just shrug my shoulders and tell people, "because nobody wants me". For some reason, that seems to shut them up...who knows why?

I have enjoyed my single years, believe you me. Enjoy it now or you will never be happy (that is just an opinion). I loved doing what I wanted, buying what I wanted and going where I wanted.

But my time is sort of running out and I would like to settle down. Again, I am not saying being single is wrong, it's just a choice I have made.

It's very possible I will never find a partner but until then, no harm looking.

:-)

[SIngleat29]

Hey, I am still single and I am turning 29 in a few months.

Before this, I truly loved being single so I understand you ladies. That is not to say that I have been praying for marriage for about 3-4 years now.

I have not been praying for marriage because I feel there is something wrong with being single. I guess it's just something I always wanted.

It's possible there is no partner in store for me but I will just carry on with my life and be as happy as I am able.

At the moment I am single and always hear comments, 'why are you single?' 'why are you not married?"

I just shrug my shoulders and tell people, "because nobody wants me". For some reason, that seems to shut them up...who knows why?

I have enjoyed my single years, believe you me. Enjoy it now or you will never be happy (that is just an opinion). I loved doing what I wanted, buying what I wanted and going where I wanted.

But my time is sort of running out and I would like to settle down. Again, I am not saying being single is wrong, it's just a choice I have made.

It's very possible I will never find a partner but until then, no harm looking.

:-)

[juju]

i enjoy being single. there are so many perks. and because i've never wanted children, marriage never seemed urgent to me.

but now, at 40, i find myself wanting to share and build a life with someone. trouble is, i can't seem to find men i want to share/build a life with! it's mind-boggling. i date. but find no one who really truly interests me. maybe i've been alone too long...?

yes, i am familiar with the *when you're happy with yourself it will happen* advice. but i AM happy with myself! do i need to be PERFECT to finally find my *partner in crime?*

it's very difficult to find desirable men over the age of 40. sigh. and i give many men a chance. i try very hard to not be too picky. yet, why start a relationship with someone who doesn't interest you or make you happy?

i feel jealous of others who seemingly *fell* into their happy (and i know many happy) relationships. i put much effort into finding a partner, but all to no avail. naturally, i've begun to suspect something is wrong with me. but i have many hobbies, interests and friends. i enjoy life very much. i just wish i could share it with someone special.

where is he?

[Satin]

I'm about to turn to 38 and I am single with no kids. I'll admit part of my problem has been related to weight holding me back from meeting people. However, I resent society's assumption that something is wrong if you reach 35 and are not married and have no kids!! Marriage means you're pleadging your life to someone, and want to share everything. Not everyone finds it so very easy to come across a person they feel that way about, and who feels that way about them. Marriage also requires a lot of trust. Look at the spouses who abuse and/or kill their mate! Look at people who are my age and on their 2nd or 3rd marriage! Look at all the people who cheat and break hearts and/or get their heart broken! Look at all the people who are in a marriage, but miserable. Need I say more? Is that so much better than my situation? So I choose to live a quiet life condcting myself in manner that goes along with my moral philosophies. I don't want to sleep around and I don't have any interest in drinking except maybe very mildly on a social basis. I don't smoke and I don't want drama in my life. And, yes, I would love to find someone upstanding and worthy to share my life with. I too am jealous of people who seem to find that right person so easily. However, I will NEVER end up with a man like some of the creeps people I know have ended up with! As for as kids, I found out at 19 that I can never have any, so that issue stings a lot. People never consider that! They just make assumptions. Look at all the people that DO have them and don't need them. That's why we have so many screw ups in society! Yet, the marriage and kids issue is the first thing anyone wants to know about you when you meet them. I just think it's sad that divorced people can hold their head up and answer and people do not think a thing of it, but when I answer there is this silence and a look and I feel as though I have to explain myself!! I feel like I have to say immediately "but I am not a lesbian and I am not a freak. I am just a nice, shy girl who has had a weight problem and bad luck!".